"Good feeling gone"

You know that part on "Finding Nemo" when Dori is swimming down and following the bright glowing light and then they discover that it's actually a huge fish waiting to eat them? Yeah my life feels a lot like that right now. "Good feeling gone" Maybe I'll give up and let the fish eat me :)

Lessons Learned

What I've learned this week...

• make sure I read my scriptures daily
• don't forget my temple recommend
• make time to go running twice a week
• oh yeah and write in my journal

Man I really failed this week on ALL of those and I can definitely feel the effects. Thank heavens for a new week the chance to start over!

What happened?

Somewhere along the way someone forgot to teach me a very important lesson....

You know it's bad when your mom is giving you advice

It just isn't over till the fat lady sings

Or at least until you put on the cap (which by the way are ridiculous! definitely why girls should have been in charge of education b/c then we wouldn't have the silly hats ;) ) and gown and walk across the stage, have someone hand you the "diploma" and tell you congratulations. As most of you know, I graduated last December and honestly at this point I'm a little disillusioned with my life which puts me in a unique situation for graduation. Ever since I was a little girl everything I ever worked toward was graduation, EVERYTHING. You know those 5 or 10 year plans you had to make in Young Women's? Well this was always on the top of the list. Life after graduation was always wonderful. I was settled, usually in my head I was engaged to be married (although I would never admit that), great job and just had myself and life figured out. Needless to say, that was a fantasy and my life now is reality, not that reality is bad at all, actually it's quite great but it doesn't meet my fantasy and it's hard. Graduation was a good reminder that hey, I might not be living the life I want to now but I accomplished something great. I accomplished my goal and not only did I get a four year degree but I also was able to go on an study abroad and do an internship in D.C. which was better than I had ever dreamed. And for a moment when they handed me the diploma and shook my hand and told me congratulations I got a sense of fulfillment and a momentary hope and vision of what I can be and that people is why I walked at graduation.

"What we call the end is often the beginning

And to make an end is to make a beginning

The end is just where we start from

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time"

-T.S. Eliot

Recap

Wow. I actually did things last week that are worth blogging about. Happy day! Last week was really REALLY good. The first good news of the week is that I actually can research and write, I wasn't just pretending for the last four years. I got feedback from a report I turned in from work and they had positive things to say which made me feel good. And then after one wonderful night, (one of those nights that feels like a dream and yet it can't be because you go to bed afterwards), I got on a plane and flew out to San Diego to meet my family who was on spring break. Oh the joys of traveling. Just being on a plane makes me happy. Visiting new places really helps me to see the beauty that is around and helps me appreciate my own home so much more. Not to mention the fact that I actually got to leave Utah for the first time since last summer, yeah being a world traveller kind of ruins you that way. Yep, just thought you all should know. Here's to another week!

My New Loves

So I am currently in love with Oscar Wilde. What an amazing and brilliant playwright. His social satires in "An Ideal Husband" and "The Importance of Being Earnest" are wonderful and makes me wish could use my words run circles around people. My favorite lines include "passionate celibacy" and "falling in love with one's self is beginning a lifetime romance." My other current love, Rachmaninov. I could listen to his music for a very long time and so expressive. If you want a break from the occasional TV/music on the radio, either of these provide a significantly better option in my opinion :)

Poetry Club

Yes, my friends are that cool. After seeing the "Ideal Husband" last week (yes that's a play, no I did not really see my 'ideal husband') my friends and I decided to start a poetry club. So on Saturday we got together and discussed this poem:

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

The beautiful thing about poems is they change each time you read them and this one changed meaning for me every day that I read it. Mostly what I got out of it is the desire to protect oneself against the vulnerability that feelings create when in a relationship. For me this poem showed the struggle to assert ones equality in a relationship, the kind of equality I can only dream comes with marriage, until then...