To be or not to be?

Yes this title is very cliche but I realized today what some of my problem is while I was discussing gendering problems at BYU with Cambridge friends. So while I was away from BYU for nine months I discovered myself. I discovered I can be powerful and I can reach more than I thought I ever could and the possibilities were endless. All the sudden my limited view of what I thought I wanted grew. My life was happy. I had a lot of friends, and felt like I was doing something awesome and fulfilling a life plan. Now being back in Provo my life goals again shifted. For some reason Provo limits my reason and all the sudden I don't feel like I'm any different than anyone here and my drive to be "supergirl" goes away because I don't feel I can achieve it. On top of that there's the pressure to get married, couples are all over on campus, and the desire for that eternal goal overtakes me. Ultimately that's what I want, the only problem with that goal is that it's unattainable until Heavenly Father decides its time for you to reach it. So in Provo here's this ultimate desire and goal that is staring me in the face and I'm running so hard but I can't reach it. In the meantime I put on my blinders and forget what else I can do in the world with my life. Therefore my life becomes unfullfilled and very frustrating. In addition to it all I'm surrounded by a million people but not really knowing any of them which increases my desire for that one person so at least one person will care about my sucess and failure. So here I am stuck in this world where what I want (to have a family and be a wife) is surrounding me and I have Pres. Samuleson warning me to try my hardest to get married while at the same time I have the other drive to go get a Master's degree and go into politics and change the world. Problem is those two can't coincide so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. But, just when you reach the bottom is when heavenly father sends you friends on campus that bring instant relief and a good friend on your door step with ice cream and two spoons which saves my life every time :)

Wake me up when September Ends

I should apologize for not being a better blogger but I'm pretty sure nobody reads this especially when I'm just in Provo so maybe I don't feel that bad. Warning: before you read this you should know September has been a horrible month and so this post will be quite unexciting and very pessimistic so don't judge me. So first month back in Provo and I'm literally drowning in my own homework from my lack of productivity. With that said though, I've also had a couple of other things happen this month that have kept me from being emotionally happy. First, transitioning from not being at BYU for the whole year of 2010 to all the sudden having classes and a demanding schedule has been TOUGH. Then my Grandma Walker passed away which was emotionally draining although a blessing for her. And then a couple more things have happened this month that has left me feeling very, very alone and like nothing will ever work out how I want it. Now of course I know that going through these things will lead me exactly to where I want to be because it always does but for right now I would love to crawl in a whole or speed up time till it all works out. Life can be so cruel. Will anything really ever work out? I don't even know if I'll make it through the semester let alone the next couple of days. I still haven't figured out the why of this whole equation and maybe if I figured that out I would feel better. Maybe conference will be a good remedy this weekend....