Five days...

Five days and this guy comes home!!

And it's almost here....one llloooonnnnnggggg month later that wait is almost over. Almost. I'm looking at wedding videos and songs today and I just want him to be here dang it. My patience is on it's last leg. I wouldn't recommend being apart while you're engaged. Ever. To anyone. Of course if you ask me, I'll say it's been a good thing, I've been able to spend time with my mom, plan the wedding without other distractions, etc, etc. But don't let my smiling face and reassuring words fool you. It's been hard and one of the toughest months and I would trade all the benefits for having him home. I guess we'll see if it's real after he does get home, I'm not entirely convinced he is coming home because it doesn't seem real. Luckily one of my other favorite people in this world, Camille, is coming this weekend and I'm stoked! She'll do a wonderful job at keeping me distracted. So bring on the weekend! It's the best thing that's happened since Christmas, oh and getting engaged.

My signing table book :)

Click here to view this photo book larger

in case you wanted to see even more pictures of Jason and I, here's the book we'll be using at our reception...

I'm in love :)

One year older and wiser too :)

Happy Birthday to me! This is to thank all of those who made this day special, namely:

Skyping with my friend Camille whom I miss terribly

Decorating this lovely tea pot at Color-me-mine, I love that place!

Eating at my favorite restaurant the Old Spaghetti Factory

Eating a wonderful birthday cake that my mom made

And getting a piano! (Okay it's just a miniature music box)

But I love it all the same and even more because it's from my sister.

What totally made my day was the poem Jess and her husband Jordan gave me:

Natalie you are now 22 years old,

But now you can snuggle Jason when you are cold.

You are really smart and pretty,

you have a lot of patience and not greedy.

Your testimony is strong with a lot of might,

When you walk the streets of Germany you shine like a bright light.

Our family is sealed like concrete pavement,

remember this rhyme came from Jordan and Jess Wayment.

We love you with all we got,

but always remember that you are super hot.

It's truly the simple things that counts. A big thanks goes to my family for making this day so wonderful. And to all of my friends who left facebook messages on my wall. It truly means the world to me, I'm so grateful to be surrounded by so many good people.

Exhausted...

12 hours of wedding planning is enough to kill anyone. So what do I do to unwind? I try to go running and then get pulled into more wedding plan. Thank heavens it's my birthday tomorrow and my goal is to do nothing related to the wedding....ha. At least it's a nice thought. So what do I really do to unwind? Talk to Jason, listen to Rachmoninoff, blog, and sleep. But the most exciting thing I did today was I got my temple dress and it's beautiful. I'm so excited. It truly doesn't matter what happens with all of the wedding plans next to the temple. It will be wonderful.

Fairytale meet reality

I'm back from Europe! And ENGAGED!!!! I know I haven't updated this blog in quite sometime so let me do a recap of the trip....

first....Jason proposed and we got engaged! The first day I arrived. Right on top of this tower in the background that I almost pushed him off of because he psyched me out with a gold bookmark first. But it all ended well :)

Then we traveled Paris in the rain

Saw the top of the alps

went to Rome and saw the colosseum and got a wicked tour of the vatican

and saw the Nuenshwanstein castle while camping in Bavaria

And of course I could post a million more pics but that's the highlight. I came home last Thursday night and for a minute the whole trip felt like it was just a dream. UNTIL I got swept away by wedding planning. I now have a dress, a photographer, the reception center, and engagement pics. And that's only the beginning. Tomorrow is meeting with the luncheon people, picking out my cake, looking at rings for him, paying deposit on our new apt, meeting with the invitations people and there was one more thing but I can't remember anymore. Despite what people may think, this is the fun stuff. (I actually am truly enjoying myself, I've been waiting my whole life to plan this!) The not fun stuff is what I have to do in between- look for jobs, figure out how to not be destitute in the fall, move all my junk and his back and forth between my apt and house, organize all of my junk, doctors appts, look at insurance, figure out cell phones, and all while make sure everyone party involved is happy. Needless to say, I'm stressed. Mostly about money. These pictures are going to have to go on my wall so I can remind myself about how much fun we had when we're sleeping on a air mattress, eating on a card table, watching a tiny t.v. on the floor, and eating mac and cheese because we can't afford anything. Probably the hardest part about all of this is Jason is still in Germany until the end of August which brings it's own set of challenges. I'm crossing uncharted territory and amongst the stress I'm very excited. Until this recent wave of stress, life has been very much like a dream and I'm still loving most of every minute or at least trying to. You only get to do this once.

Tangled

The day has finally arrived! I'm flying to Europe today! I can't believe it's here. Some of you might wonder how I'm feeling about everything and I can't think of a better explanation than a dialogue from Cambridge. Right before Rapunzel is about to see the lights Flynn leans over to her and asks:

Flynn: "You okay?"

Rapunzel: "I'm terrified"

F: "why"

R: "I've been looking out a window for 18 years dreaming about it might feel like when those lights shine in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?"

F: "It will be"

R: "And what if it is, what do I do then?"

This is EXACTLY how I feel. Terrified but very excited. Let's see where the next month takes me :)

If I could only remember this...

(I stole this picture from my friend's blog so I really can't take credit but I loved it)

Who would want to know what's in their future anyway?

So in case you haven't heard...

I get to go back here this summer!!!!!

Oh and Paris, Rome, Germany, and London. not to mention that I will be seeing all of this with a certain boy :) Yes, I might be more excited about this than I have anything else my entire life (I may have jumped up and down and screamed when I found out I was going). Am I crazy? Yes. This is perhaps the most impulsive, random and risky thing I've ever done but what fun is life without a little spontaneity and chasing after dreams right? Bah! I'm so excited, June please go by fast

Motivational talke

"Good feeling gone"

You know that part on "Finding Nemo" when Dori is swimming down and following the bright glowing light and then they discover that it's actually a huge fish waiting to eat them? Yeah my life feels a lot like that right now. "Good feeling gone" Maybe I'll give up and let the fish eat me :)

Lessons Learned

What I've learned this week...

• make sure I read my scriptures daily
• don't forget my temple recommend
• make time to go running twice a week
• oh yeah and write in my journal

Man I really failed this week on ALL of those and I can definitely feel the effects. Thank heavens for a new week the chance to start over!

What happened?

Somewhere along the way someone forgot to teach me a very important lesson....

You know it's bad when your mom is giving you advice

It just isn't over till the fat lady sings

Or at least until you put on the cap (which by the way are ridiculous! definitely why girls should have been in charge of education b/c then we wouldn't have the silly hats ;) ) and gown and walk across the stage, have someone hand you the "diploma" and tell you congratulations. As most of you know, I graduated last December and honestly at this point I'm a little disillusioned with my life which puts me in a unique situation for graduation. Ever since I was a little girl everything I ever worked toward was graduation, EVERYTHING. You know those 5 or 10 year plans you had to make in Young Women's? Well this was always on the top of the list. Life after graduation was always wonderful. I was settled, usually in my head I was engaged to be married (although I would never admit that), great job and just had myself and life figured out. Needless to say, that was a fantasy and my life now is reality, not that reality is bad at all, actually it's quite great but it doesn't meet my fantasy and it's hard. Graduation was a good reminder that hey, I might not be living the life I want to now but I accomplished something great. I accomplished my goal and not only did I get a four year degree but I also was able to go on an study abroad and do an internship in D.C. which was better than I had ever dreamed. And for a moment when they handed me the diploma and shook my hand and told me congratulations I got a sense of fulfillment and a momentary hope and vision of what I can be and that people is why I walked at graduation.

"What we call the end is often the beginning

And to make an end is to make a beginning

The end is just where we start from

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time"

-T.S. Eliot

Recap

Wow. I actually did things last week that are worth blogging about. Happy day! Last week was really REALLY good. The first good news of the week is that I actually can research and write, I wasn't just pretending for the last four years. I got feedback from a report I turned in from work and they had positive things to say which made me feel good. And then after one wonderful night, (one of those nights that feels like a dream and yet it can't be because you go to bed afterwards), I got on a plane and flew out to San Diego to meet my family who was on spring break. Oh the joys of traveling. Just being on a plane makes me happy. Visiting new places really helps me to see the beauty that is around and helps me appreciate my own home so much more. Not to mention the fact that I actually got to leave Utah for the first time since last summer, yeah being a world traveller kind of ruins you that way. Yep, just thought you all should know. Here's to another week!

My New Loves

So I am currently in love with Oscar Wilde. What an amazing and brilliant playwright. His social satires in "An Ideal Husband" and "The Importance of Being Earnest" are wonderful and makes me wish could use my words run circles around people. My favorite lines include "passionate celibacy" and "falling in love with one's self is beginning a lifetime romance." My other current love, Rachmaninov. I could listen to his music for a very long time and so expressive. If you want a break from the occasional TV/music on the radio, either of these provide a significantly better option in my opinion :)

Poetry Club

Yes, my friends are that cool. After seeing the "Ideal Husband" last week (yes that's a play, no I did not really see my 'ideal husband') my friends and I decided to start a poetry club. So on Saturday we got together and discussed this poem:

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

The beautiful thing about poems is they change each time you read them and this one changed meaning for me every day that I read it. Mostly what I got out of it is the desire to protect oneself against the vulnerability that feelings create when in a relationship. For me this poem showed the struggle to assert ones equality in a relationship, the kind of equality I can only dream comes with marriage, until then...

What could be better?

This post is mostly due to the fact that I really need to journal tonight but my roommate's asleep and my other roommates are out in the living room with lots of noise and right now I just need quite. Lots of times I feel like I try to be witty or clever on my blog but today is just me so I'm not quite sure what you're going to get. There's been a lot of noise in my head today. To start with I listened to way too much music today. But there's the other music going on in my head that sometimes I can't shut off. I started looking at plans for my future today and well, it was good, it got me excited but at the same time there are so many options! I could stay here and live in my little world, save lots of money, and go off to grad school somewhere. I could move and be SUPER poor but feel like I've started my own life, get my grad degree on line, find a job, get two masters, etc, etc. I sat down to study for the GRE today and everything was like a chain reaction. The most awesome thing about today was Egyptian cookie night held in a home that I could be perfectly happy living in with awesome people that I would be perfectly happy living in a neighborhood with with wonderful learning about Egyptian artifacts while enjoying delightfully tasting cookies. Of course there was much laughter, always good for the soul. The message that I came away with was be prepared to become an expert on anything in 72 hours and life never turns out as you plan. I'm making a lot of mistakes on this journey of mine. The only thing left to do is pick myself up tomorrow, rethink myself, and try to build those up around me and hope that day by day I'll find myself in the place I want to be.

Everything and Nothing

Oh yeah, I really can be this happy

It's an interesting paradox. How can you have everything and nothing at the same time? It's like feeling everything at once that you feel nothing. Apparently Stravinsky wrote about how when he sits down to compose he is overcome with fear because he doesn't know where to begin. At that one instance everything and nothing is possible. I've experienced the same fear when I sit down to write any paper. The screen stares at you and you have these dreams about what you will create but at the same time you feel like you will never create anything. Recently I've felt this way about life. I'm staring at a blank slate and I can create anything but at the same time I feel like I will never create anything. I've felt like I'm lost in a maze with no end and all I can do is keep walking or sit down and stare at the sky. Everything and nothing is possible. The real freedom only comes after we start making decisions which give us some constraint and then we are free to move. Well I'm proud to say I've made a decision. I finally realized a dream and I'm chasing it. I don't know how I will get there, I don't know if I'll make it, and I don't even think it will be as wonderful as I'm dreaming but I'm going to die trying because it's better than just existing in this world. There, done, am I running? Probably.

Thankful for

Okay, so I'm ready for a change in my life. I haven't been very happy lately and that changes today beginning with a list of things I'm thankful for.

sunny days

good bishopric and church leaders

friends who listen

cookies and lots of chocolate

flowers

my job

sleep

cute skirts

family

fleece blankets

the moments when you feel loved

Pirates

So one of my favorite movies is Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one of course). I saw it for the first time in ninth grade, fell in love, and now I can quote practically the entire thing. But I think one of my absolute favorite parts from all the movies comes from number two when Jack is talking to Elizabeth. He claims that they aren't all that different. He says that one day she, the somewhat responsible good girl, will come to his side. Why? "One word, Curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it's like. One day you won't be able to resist." Me, being the responsible one always doing what I'm expected, has always wondered what it's like to act on what I want because I want it, not because anyone else wants it for me. Well for the first time in my life I've come to a point where no one really is expecting me to do anything, as long as I do something that makes me happy. In a sense I have what I always wanted, freedom to do what I want. The problem: I don't know what that is. What I thought I wanted all the sudden isn't really what I wanted and the one thing I know I do want is impossible for me to reach by myself. Hmmm I don't think I ever foresaw this problem...

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

-Paulo Coelho

Hello March!

Goodbye February and Hello March! I'm so happy February is behind me and from here it's forward and onward. Last night I went and heard my cousin speak on her experience with breast cancer. Her message:

Continue to be courageous

Have a good attitude

Be grateful

My cousin is amazing. After what she went through she said that remembering the those three things made her feel like there was sunshine all around her. Those are the words I want to live by.

Your Afterself

"Your first duty in life is toward your afterself. So live that your afterself--the man (or woman) you ought to be--may in his time be possible and actual. Far away in the years he is waiting his turn; his body and his brain, and his soul are in your boyish hands. He cannot help himself. What will you leave for him? Will it be a brain unspoiled by lust or dissipation; a mind trained to think and act; a nervous system true as a dial in response to the truth about you? Will your boy let him come as a man among men in his time; or will you throw away his inheritance before he has had the chance to touch it? Will you turn over to him a brain distorted, a mind diseased, a will untrained to action, or will you let him come, taking your place, gaining through your experience, happy in your friendships, hallowed through your joys, building on them his own? Or will you fling it all away decreeing that the man that ought to be shall never be? This is your problem, today and every day. The hour of your decision is the crisis of your destiny."

In case you haven't noticed, I really like quotes, A LOT. There is so much power behind them and they are so thought provoking. One day I will have a room full of quotes and one liners if I can organize them all. I came across this one today and it was one of those that hit me in the heart. What is the afterself you are living for?

"Become what you want to be by being what you want to become" -Elder Scott

Karaoke

I know I shouldn't be upset right now but I am. I had a spectacular night, I mean who wouldn't enjoy a night of karaoke with the most awesome people in the world? Singing at the top of your lungs to Bohemian Rhapsody, dancing the cha cha, eating great food, and yelling to make conversation because you can't hear anything. I truly am at a loss for words. These people are amazing. It's been almost six months since Cambridge and yet we still have huge get togethers and each time I get closer and closer with these people. The depressing part...it has to end. Come April many of these people are graduating and moving on. The friendships and family we made one will only hope will be maintained through mass emails and some kind of reunions when we all find ourselves together again. Curse you Cambridge for giving me the friendship of the most amazing people in the world because eventually I'm going to have to let them go and I hate letting go almost more than anything in the world. For now though, thank you for giving meaning to my life and giving me the most amazing group I could ever hope for. These memories I hope will last forever and currently these are the nights I live for, they definitely make my life worth living. Make the most of it now right?

Happiness

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

A quote I found today that I really liked. Today I got a glimpse of happiness. I feel like I've been lost in a dark tunnel for a long time. I've been scrambling in the dark to find the hole in the wall that will let me out but it's been a futile effort. Funny how it's after you stop scrambling, the moment you let yourself feel the pangs of utter defeat, that you finally to look up and see a faint light in the distance. The light doesn't engulf you, but you wouldn't want it too or you would be blinded and as helpless as before. It's only enough to let you know that there is a way out and the hope of more light to come.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. Feelings are disturbing. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality."

My thought for the day, don't be scared to feel, don't run from it because you're only numbing what will eventually feel worse. Feel it and feel the brunt of all of it, it's part of your reality and that's when you can see the real light. For me it's my friends, hot chocolate, snow, a random run to J-dawgs, that is the glimmer of light for my dark and seemingly endless tunnel. Last quote for the day:

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends we choose."

Random thoughts for the day

Okay so today was one of those days where I thought a lot of random disconected thoughts so enjoy:

-who we are is defined by what we do (not always a good thing because things like career/job/family are all tied to our identity so when something is not great our identity suffers)
-Why have boys let women overpower them? (this isn't meant for the guys I know they're great, it's just based on an article I read, more to come on this in a later post)
-Sometimes it's not so great that you look older than you are
-Sometimes reality is so cruel all you can do is sadistically laugh
-I want to read more poetry
-excerise and eating healthy is a good thing
-it's good to laugh and see things in a funny light
-change IS NOT my strength
-Often times it's the random people you talk to for a minute that make your whole outlook on the day change for the better

Most of these were brought on by things that happened or things I read. I'll probably explain most of them later, I just had to get them out.

No Surprise is More Magical than the Surprise of Being Loved

Thank You Sereen and Jared, you have no idea.

Liminality

Liminality: a transitional process; occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold. (i.e. being on the border of England and Scotland, you're not quite in either place)

Tonight I went to a discussion group where we talked about these moments of liminality in our lives. Those moments when we are in the in between whether it be physical, mental, spiritual. Those moments when you're transported out of your reality and have to redefine your identity. I now have a word to define what my life has been the last month and a half and especially the last couple of weeks. I've been in a state of liminality, between college and career, trying to define my space in the world. Physically I've been between my apartment and home, family and friends. This physical liminality is representative of my mental liminality; who am I really? What do I really like to do when school isn't consuming my life and when I don't have a busy life to define me? More than that though these things have caused me to have a spiritual liminality. That point when what you believe is all the sudden put in to question and you really have to face your nothingness that it talks about in the Book of Mormon. I know this might sound negative, after all who really wants to be in liminality? It's hard, you're forced to face the wholes in your armor and that is never easy. My epiphany for the night was, we all go through these phases, the parts were we question our very being. It's not scary, it's actually wonderful because without them there's no way we could progress. But how many times do we judge others for being in their state of liminality? When someone starts to question their very being are we willing to see them through it and listen to them? How many times do we discard those around us or panic or feel threatened because someone's perfecting their sense of reality? AND how much do we beat ourselves up for being in these transition phases? What I've come to realize lately is that I can't be afraid of them in myself or in others. They happen and they're wonderful because even though they are hard they make us reevaluate our world and help us become better. Anyway, sorry for the rambling, just something to think about :) P.S. see Emerson excerpt below

Hand and Foot

So you could have been one of those in love couples going out for Valentine's Day dinner, OR you could have spontaneously played Hand and Foot with not one but four guys and my favorite Camille, had hot chocolate, shared dating stories, and laughed a lot. Not to mention that Jason and I totally smoked everyone else in cards and let's be honest, I love winning :) Most of all though I love these people. I love the fact that we are completely comfortable with each other that at times it's almost scary. This is why I'm in Provo. This is why I can withstand all the pressure that Provo exerts. This is what makes me happy. It couldn't have been a better night for my rough day. I am truly so blessed.

"Heartily know, when the half-gods go, the gods arrive"

"The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, lover, which seemed nothing but privation, somewhat later assumes the aspect of a guide or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions in our way of life, terminates an epoch of infancy or of youth which was waiting to be closed, breaks up a wonted occupation, or a household, or style of living, and allows the formation of new ones more friendly to the growth of character. It permits or constrains the formation of new acquaintances and the reception of new influences that prove of the first importance to the next years; and the man or woman who would have remained a sunny garden-flower, with no room for its roots and too much sunshine for its head, by the falling of the walls and the neglect of the gardener is made the banian of the forest, yielding shade and fruit to wide neighborhoods of men."

Thank you Emerson

Re-entry

When I was little and anything was possible I wanted to be an astronaut. (Never mind the fact that I am the least risk taking person ever and could never ever go through space training or have the guts to go out to space) But the ability to see the globe, to comprehend the creation of the stars and the moon, to completely go outside of all sense of reality and get a new perspective on our place in the universe. Well I guess you could say last week I left Provo and I entered "space." I got away from the gravity and pressure that feels like it might crush you at times and other times keeps you grounded. I was hoping for a new perspective on life. The ability to see my world globally instead of being tightly wrapped up in it. Well I'm not sure I spent enough time comprehending that perspective but I've re-entered. Apparently when spaceships re-enter the pressure of earth's atmosphere with cracks or flaws they burn up. Well I'm pretty sure I have cracks...but I guess you can't stay away for forever. Eventually the loss of gravity depletes your strength so here I am praying that my cracks don't cause me to burn and praying that I'm strong enough to withstand the weight of the gravity that it will strengthen me, not crush me.

On the bright side though, I started my job and it's been really good :) I'm so blessed and the mountains with the snow and clouds looked gorgeous this morning, kind of like the picture you see above. See things aren't so bad right?

The Symphony

What happened to the good old days when the symphony and opera were entertainment? Sometimes I'm convinced I was born in the wrong era. After a crappy week (excuse the language) the weekend was definitely an improvement. Camille came up and we went to the symphony, went shopping, drank hot chocolate, and watched episodes of psych, just what the doctor ordered :). There is just something healing about hearing the great works of Rachmaninoff, Mozart, and Debussy. Classical music has the power to bring to life the feelings that your heart has no words for.

What is that thing called love?

I think I caught a little teeny tiny glimpse of what love might be (or at least to care for someone so much that you put their needs above yours). Unfortunately for me it looks like baggy sweats, an oversized t-shirt, puffy eyes, and a red face but hey, at least it exists. Apparently it doesn't matter how well I play the game, I still lose.