Your Afterself

"Your first duty in life is toward your afterself. So live that your afterself--the man (or woman) you ought to be--may in his time be possible and actual. Far away in the years he is waiting his turn; his body and his brain, and his soul are in your boyish hands. He cannot help himself. What will you leave for him? Will it be a brain unspoiled by lust or dissipation; a mind trained to think and act; a nervous system true as a dial in response to the truth about you? Will your boy let him come as a man among men in his time; or will you throw away his inheritance before he has had the chance to touch it? Will you turn over to him a brain distorted, a mind diseased, a will untrained to action, or will you let him come, taking your place, gaining through your experience, happy in your friendships, hallowed through your joys, building on them his own? Or will you fling it all away decreeing that the man that ought to be shall never be? This is your problem, today and every day. The hour of your decision is the crisis of your destiny."

In case you haven't noticed, I really like quotes, A LOT. There is so much power behind them and they are so thought provoking. One day I will have a room full of quotes and one liners if I can organize them all. I came across this one today and it was one of those that hit me in the heart. What is the afterself you are living for?

"Become what you want to be by being what you want to become" -Elder Scott

Karaoke

I know I shouldn't be upset right now but I am. I had a spectacular night, I mean who wouldn't enjoy a night of karaoke with the most awesome people in the world? Singing at the top of your lungs to Bohemian Rhapsody, dancing the cha cha, eating great food, and yelling to make conversation because you can't hear anything. I truly am at a loss for words. These people are amazing. It's been almost six months since Cambridge and yet we still have huge get togethers and each time I get closer and closer with these people. The depressing part...it has to end. Come April many of these people are graduating and moving on. The friendships and family we made one will only hope will be maintained through mass emails and some kind of reunions when we all find ourselves together again. Curse you Cambridge for giving me the friendship of the most amazing people in the world because eventually I'm going to have to let them go and I hate letting go almost more than anything in the world. For now though, thank you for giving meaning to my life and giving me the most amazing group I could ever hope for. These memories I hope will last forever and currently these are the nights I live for, they definitely make my life worth living. Make the most of it now right?

Happiness

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

A quote I found today that I really liked. Today I got a glimpse of happiness. I feel like I've been lost in a dark tunnel for a long time. I've been scrambling in the dark to find the hole in the wall that will let me out but it's been a futile effort. Funny how it's after you stop scrambling, the moment you let yourself feel the pangs of utter defeat, that you finally to look up and see a faint light in the distance. The light doesn't engulf you, but you wouldn't want it too or you would be blinded and as helpless as before. It's only enough to let you know that there is a way out and the hope of more light to come.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. Feelings are disturbing. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality."

My thought for the day, don't be scared to feel, don't run from it because you're only numbing what will eventually feel worse. Feel it and feel the brunt of all of it, it's part of your reality and that's when you can see the real light. For me it's my friends, hot chocolate, snow, a random run to J-dawgs, that is the glimmer of light for my dark and seemingly endless tunnel. Last quote for the day:

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends we choose."

Random thoughts for the day

Okay so today was one of those days where I thought a lot of random disconected thoughts so enjoy:

-who we are is defined by what we do (not always a good thing because things like career/job/family are all tied to our identity so when something is not great our identity suffers)
-Why have boys let women overpower them? (this isn't meant for the guys I know they're great, it's just based on an article I read, more to come on this in a later post)
-Sometimes it's not so great that you look older than you are
-Sometimes reality is so cruel all you can do is sadistically laugh
-I want to read more poetry
-excerise and eating healthy is a good thing
-it's good to laugh and see things in a funny light
-change IS NOT my strength
-Often times it's the random people you talk to for a minute that make your whole outlook on the day change for the better

Most of these were brought on by things that happened or things I read. I'll probably explain most of them later, I just had to get them out.

No Surprise is More Magical than the Surprise of Being Loved

Thank You Sereen and Jared, you have no idea.

Liminality

Liminality: a transitional process; occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold. (i.e. being on the border of England and Scotland, you're not quite in either place)

Tonight I went to a discussion group where we talked about these moments of liminality in our lives. Those moments when we are in the in between whether it be physical, mental, spiritual. Those moments when you're transported out of your reality and have to redefine your identity. I now have a word to define what my life has been the last month and a half and especially the last couple of weeks. I've been in a state of liminality, between college and career, trying to define my space in the world. Physically I've been between my apartment and home, family and friends. This physical liminality is representative of my mental liminality; who am I really? What do I really like to do when school isn't consuming my life and when I don't have a busy life to define me? More than that though these things have caused me to have a spiritual liminality. That point when what you believe is all the sudden put in to question and you really have to face your nothingness that it talks about in the Book of Mormon. I know this might sound negative, after all who really wants to be in liminality? It's hard, you're forced to face the wholes in your armor and that is never easy. My epiphany for the night was, we all go through these phases, the parts were we question our very being. It's not scary, it's actually wonderful because without them there's no way we could progress. But how many times do we judge others for being in their state of liminality? When someone starts to question their very being are we willing to see them through it and listen to them? How many times do we discard those around us or panic or feel threatened because someone's perfecting their sense of reality? AND how much do we beat ourselves up for being in these transition phases? What I've come to realize lately is that I can't be afraid of them in myself or in others. They happen and they're wonderful because even though they are hard they make us reevaluate our world and help us become better. Anyway, sorry for the rambling, just something to think about :) P.S. see Emerson excerpt below

Hand and Foot

So you could have been one of those in love couples going out for Valentine's Day dinner, OR you could have spontaneously played Hand and Foot with not one but four guys and my favorite Camille, had hot chocolate, shared dating stories, and laughed a lot. Not to mention that Jason and I totally smoked everyone else in cards and let's be honest, I love winning :) Most of all though I love these people. I love the fact that we are completely comfortable with each other that at times it's almost scary. This is why I'm in Provo. This is why I can withstand all the pressure that Provo exerts. This is what makes me happy. It couldn't have been a better night for my rough day. I am truly so blessed.

"Heartily know, when the half-gods go, the gods arrive"

"The death of a dear friend, wife, brother, lover, which seemed nothing but privation, somewhat later assumes the aspect of a guide or genius; for it commonly operates revolutions in our way of life, terminates an epoch of infancy or of youth which was waiting to be closed, breaks up a wonted occupation, or a household, or style of living, and allows the formation of new ones more friendly to the growth of character. It permits or constrains the formation of new acquaintances and the reception of new influences that prove of the first importance to the next years; and the man or woman who would have remained a sunny garden-flower, with no room for its roots and too much sunshine for its head, by the falling of the walls and the neglect of the gardener is made the banian of the forest, yielding shade and fruit to wide neighborhoods of men."

Thank you Emerson

Re-entry

When I was little and anything was possible I wanted to be an astronaut. (Never mind the fact that I am the least risk taking person ever and could never ever go through space training or have the guts to go out to space) But the ability to see the globe, to comprehend the creation of the stars and the moon, to completely go outside of all sense of reality and get a new perspective on our place in the universe. Well I guess you could say last week I left Provo and I entered "space." I got away from the gravity and pressure that feels like it might crush you at times and other times keeps you grounded. I was hoping for a new perspective on life. The ability to see my world globally instead of being tightly wrapped up in it. Well I'm not sure I spent enough time comprehending that perspective but I've re-entered. Apparently when spaceships re-enter the pressure of earth's atmosphere with cracks or flaws they burn up. Well I'm pretty sure I have cracks...but I guess you can't stay away for forever. Eventually the loss of gravity depletes your strength so here I am praying that my cracks don't cause me to burn and praying that I'm strong enough to withstand the weight of the gravity that it will strengthen me, not crush me.

On the bright side though, I started my job and it's been really good :) I'm so blessed and the mountains with the snow and clouds looked gorgeous this morning, kind of like the picture you see above. See things aren't so bad right?

The Symphony

What happened to the good old days when the symphony and opera were entertainment? Sometimes I'm convinced I was born in the wrong era. After a crappy week (excuse the language) the weekend was definitely an improvement. Camille came up and we went to the symphony, went shopping, drank hot chocolate, and watched episodes of psych, just what the doctor ordered :). There is just something healing about hearing the great works of Rachmaninoff, Mozart, and Debussy. Classical music has the power to bring to life the feelings that your heart has no words for.

What is that thing called love?

I think I caught a little teeny tiny glimpse of what love might be (or at least to care for someone so much that you put their needs above yours). Unfortunately for me it looks like baggy sweats, an oversized t-shirt, puffy eyes, and a red face but hey, at least it exists. Apparently it doesn't matter how well I play the game, I still lose.