Remember When

Remember when I used to be a good student, good enough to go to Cambridge? Yeah well I don't. I'm pretty sure that was a fluke. I just turned in a 20 page paper which should be an accomplishment yet I don't feel really good about it at all. In fact looking back I don't think I've done anything school work wise this semester that I'm particularly proud of and I've spent triple the time doing school work then I usually do. Great. This is exactly how I wanted to feel when I graduated school (not).

*Sorry, I noticed that I only post when I'm frustrated, I promise my life is really good and I'll try harder to be more positive in the future

I've got a case of senioritis

I think people who know me would generally consider me to be a hard worker and a good student but there was a time long ago when I wasn't. In elementary school I was kept inside from recess several times because I did not get my homework in on time (shocking I know). I don't know what kept me from getting my homework done because I definitely wasn't playing all the time, maybe it was just pure laziness, but I didn't get my work done. Since then though I've been on top of my school work. I don't think I've ever handed in an assignment late since (unless I forgot) and for the most part I've gotten A's. I've had my fair share of stress and trials when it comes to school but somehow things always got done and I knew in the end I'd pull through. Well I think my luck's run out. All of those years of working hard have worn me out and I have 11 days of school left, 11! I'm pretty sure I should be kept in from recess again...

Ignorance is Bliss

So my friends Cambridge has turned me into somewhat of an intellectual snob. I realized this as I was sitting in Writing Fellows with my good Cambridge associates and we were basically sitting there depressed that our college experience at BYU is not a system of communication and conversation. Rather BYU and all American schools economically shove information down your throats to get you out of the school. Yep, that's where we are at and now all of us Cambridge students are VERY unsatisfied students of the American system...sigh. Today I was sitting in the special collections of the library throughly enjoying the collections of the 1700's essay called the Spectator which was a social commentary on the traditions of English society. Yes, I was laughing to myself because it was witty and surprisingly relevant to our time. All I wanted to do was to have a conversation about what these essays said and I was curious on what other people thought. Sadly, this kind of conversation is non-existent at BYU and so I'm left to my own nerdiness and I love it :)

I Decide

Picture taken on the way home from Cambridge, symbol of so many adventures behind and what lay ahead.

Well my friends, life might finally be turning around for me. For the first time in over a month I actually felt like life is good. Wasn't conference wonderful? I learned

1. Faith is a choice so chose it!

2. Be grateful, life is SO much better when you are

3. Agency is awesome

The third one has taken my whole life to realize. But isn't it wonderful that we can chose and no one can force us to do anything? I used to want Heavenly Father to tell me just do this, go here, but I recently realized I am not happy if I think that way. I love to make decisions, granted it most likely will be the decision to follow the spirit when prompted but that's still a choice. So next big decision, where do I go from here? Work, mission, grad school, who knows? But I have the choice to do whatever it is I want, how many people get to say that? Ha, yeah this sounds nothing like me normally but it's time for something new :)

"I want the dang gelato!"

Disclaimer: The title of this post is a quote from one of my friends today only he swore. Don't judge, this is the epitome of both of our (my friend and I) weeks so it made me smile. And no I do not think this comment was just about the gelato.

To be or not to be?

Yes this title is very cliche but I realized today what some of my problem is while I was discussing gendering problems at BYU with Cambridge friends. So while I was away from BYU for nine months I discovered myself. I discovered I can be powerful and I can reach more than I thought I ever could and the possibilities were endless. All the sudden my limited view of what I thought I wanted grew. My life was happy. I had a lot of friends, and felt like I was doing something awesome and fulfilling a life plan. Now being back in Provo my life goals again shifted. For some reason Provo limits my reason and all the sudden I don't feel like I'm any different than anyone here and my drive to be "supergirl" goes away because I don't feel I can achieve it. On top of that there's the pressure to get married, couples are all over on campus, and the desire for that eternal goal overtakes me. Ultimately that's what I want, the only problem with that goal is that it's unattainable until Heavenly Father decides its time for you to reach it. So in Provo here's this ultimate desire and goal that is staring me in the face and I'm running so hard but I can't reach it. In the meantime I put on my blinders and forget what else I can do in the world with my life. Therefore my life becomes unfullfilled and very frustrating. In addition to it all I'm surrounded by a million people but not really knowing any of them which increases my desire for that one person so at least one person will care about my sucess and failure. So here I am stuck in this world where what I want (to have a family and be a wife) is surrounding me and I have Pres. Samuleson warning me to try my hardest to get married while at the same time I have the other drive to go get a Master's degree and go into politics and change the world. Problem is those two can't coincide so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. But, just when you reach the bottom is when heavenly father sends you friends on campus that bring instant relief and a good friend on your door step with ice cream and two spoons which saves my life every time :)

Wake me up when September Ends

I should apologize for not being a better blogger but I'm pretty sure nobody reads this especially when I'm just in Provo so maybe I don't feel that bad. Warning: before you read this you should know September has been a horrible month and so this post will be quite unexciting and very pessimistic so don't judge me. So first month back in Provo and I'm literally drowning in my own homework from my lack of productivity. With that said though, I've also had a couple of other things happen this month that have kept me from being emotionally happy. First, transitioning from not being at BYU for the whole year of 2010 to all the sudden having classes and a demanding schedule has been TOUGH. Then my Grandma Walker passed away which was emotionally draining although a blessing for her. And then a couple more things have happened this month that has left me feeling very, very alone and like nothing will ever work out how I want it. Now of course I know that going through these things will lead me exactly to where I want to be because it always does but for right now I would love to crawl in a whole or speed up time till it all works out. Life can be so cruel. Will anything really ever work out? I don't even know if I'll make it through the semester let alone the next couple of days. I still haven't figured out the why of this whole equation and maybe if I figured that out I would feel better. Maybe conference will be a good remedy this weekend....