What happened?

Somewhere along the way someone forgot to teach me a very important lesson....

You know it's bad when your mom is giving you advice

It just isn't over till the fat lady sings

Or at least until you put on the cap (which by the way are ridiculous! definitely why girls should have been in charge of education b/c then we wouldn't have the silly hats ;) ) and gown and walk across the stage, have someone hand you the "diploma" and tell you congratulations. As most of you know, I graduated last December and honestly at this point I'm a little disillusioned with my life which puts me in a unique situation for graduation. Ever since I was a little girl everything I ever worked toward was graduation, EVERYTHING. You know those 5 or 10 year plans you had to make in Young Women's? Well this was always on the top of the list. Life after graduation was always wonderful. I was settled, usually in my head I was engaged to be married (although I would never admit that), great job and just had myself and life figured out. Needless to say, that was a fantasy and my life now is reality, not that reality is bad at all, actually it's quite great but it doesn't meet my fantasy and it's hard. Graduation was a good reminder that hey, I might not be living the life I want to now but I accomplished something great. I accomplished my goal and not only did I get a four year degree but I also was able to go on an study abroad and do an internship in D.C. which was better than I had ever dreamed. And for a moment when they handed me the diploma and shook my hand and told me congratulations I got a sense of fulfillment and a momentary hope and vision of what I can be and that people is why I walked at graduation.

"What we call the end is often the beginning

And to make an end is to make a beginning

The end is just where we start from

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time"

-T.S. Eliot

Recap

Wow. I actually did things last week that are worth blogging about. Happy day! Last week was really REALLY good. The first good news of the week is that I actually can research and write, I wasn't just pretending for the last four years. I got feedback from a report I turned in from work and they had positive things to say which made me feel good. And then after one wonderful night, (one of those nights that feels like a dream and yet it can't be because you go to bed afterwards), I got on a plane and flew out to San Diego to meet my family who was on spring break. Oh the joys of traveling. Just being on a plane makes me happy. Visiting new places really helps me to see the beauty that is around and helps me appreciate my own home so much more. Not to mention the fact that I actually got to leave Utah for the first time since last summer, yeah being a world traveller kind of ruins you that way. Yep, just thought you all should know. Here's to another week!

My New Loves

So I am currently in love with Oscar Wilde. What an amazing and brilliant playwright. His social satires in "An Ideal Husband" and "The Importance of Being Earnest" are wonderful and makes me wish could use my words run circles around people. My favorite lines include "passionate celibacy" and "falling in love with one's self is beginning a lifetime romance." My other current love, Rachmaninov. I could listen to his music for a very long time and so expressive. If you want a break from the occasional TV/music on the radio, either of these provide a significantly better option in my opinion :)

Poetry Club

Yes, my friends are that cool. After seeing the "Ideal Husband" last week (yes that's a play, no I did not really see my 'ideal husband') my friends and I decided to start a poetry club. So on Saturday we got together and discussed this poem:

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

The beautiful thing about poems is they change each time you read them and this one changed meaning for me every day that I read it. Mostly what I got out of it is the desire to protect oneself against the vulnerability that feelings create when in a relationship. For me this poem showed the struggle to assert ones equality in a relationship, the kind of equality I can only dream comes with marriage, until then...

What could be better?

This post is mostly due to the fact that I really need to journal tonight but my roommate's asleep and my other roommates are out in the living room with lots of noise and right now I just need quite. Lots of times I feel like I try to be witty or clever on my blog but today is just me so I'm not quite sure what you're going to get. There's been a lot of noise in my head today. To start with I listened to way too much music today. But there's the other music going on in my head that sometimes I can't shut off. I started looking at plans for my future today and well, it was good, it got me excited but at the same time there are so many options! I could stay here and live in my little world, save lots of money, and go off to grad school somewhere. I could move and be SUPER poor but feel like I've started my own life, get my grad degree on line, find a job, get two masters, etc, etc. I sat down to study for the GRE today and everything was like a chain reaction. The most awesome thing about today was Egyptian cookie night held in a home that I could be perfectly happy living in with awesome people that I would be perfectly happy living in a neighborhood with with wonderful learning about Egyptian artifacts while enjoying delightfully tasting cookies. Of course there was much laughter, always good for the soul. The message that I came away with was be prepared to become an expert on anything in 72 hours and life never turns out as you plan. I'm making a lot of mistakes on this journey of mine. The only thing left to do is pick myself up tomorrow, rethink myself, and try to build those up around me and hope that day by day I'll find myself in the place I want to be.

Everything and Nothing

Oh yeah, I really can be this happy

It's an interesting paradox. How can you have everything and nothing at the same time? It's like feeling everything at once that you feel nothing. Apparently Stravinsky wrote about how when he sits down to compose he is overcome with fear because he doesn't know where to begin. At that one instance everything and nothing is possible. I've experienced the same fear when I sit down to write any paper. The screen stares at you and you have these dreams about what you will create but at the same time you feel like you will never create anything. Recently I've felt this way about life. I'm staring at a blank slate and I can create anything but at the same time I feel like I will never create anything. I've felt like I'm lost in a maze with no end and all I can do is keep walking or sit down and stare at the sky. Everything and nothing is possible. The real freedom only comes after we start making decisions which give us some constraint and then we are free to move. Well I'm proud to say I've made a decision. I finally realized a dream and I'm chasing it. I don't know how I will get there, I don't know if I'll make it, and I don't even think it will be as wonderful as I'm dreaming but I'm going to die trying because it's better than just existing in this world. There, done, am I running? Probably.