Poetry Club

Yes, my friends are that cool. After seeing the "Ideal Husband" last week (yes that's a play, no I did not really see my 'ideal husband') my friends and I decided to start a poetry club. So on Saturday we got together and discussed this poem:

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

The beautiful thing about poems is they change each time you read them and this one changed meaning for me every day that I read it. Mostly what I got out of it is the desire to protect oneself against the vulnerability that feelings create when in a relationship. For me this poem showed the struggle to assert ones equality in a relationship, the kind of equality I can only dream comes with marriage, until then...

What could be better?

This post is mostly due to the fact that I really need to journal tonight but my roommate's asleep and my other roommates are out in the living room with lots of noise and right now I just need quite. Lots of times I feel like I try to be witty or clever on my blog but today is just me so I'm not quite sure what you're going to get. There's been a lot of noise in my head today. To start with I listened to way too much music today. But there's the other music going on in my head that sometimes I can't shut off. I started looking at plans for my future today and well, it was good, it got me excited but at the same time there are so many options! I could stay here and live in my little world, save lots of money, and go off to grad school somewhere. I could move and be SUPER poor but feel like I've started my own life, get my grad degree on line, find a job, get two masters, etc, etc. I sat down to study for the GRE today and everything was like a chain reaction. The most awesome thing about today was Egyptian cookie night held in a home that I could be perfectly happy living in with awesome people that I would be perfectly happy living in a neighborhood with with wonderful learning about Egyptian artifacts while enjoying delightfully tasting cookies. Of course there was much laughter, always good for the soul. The message that I came away with was be prepared to become an expert on anything in 72 hours and life never turns out as you plan. I'm making a lot of mistakes on this journey of mine. The only thing left to do is pick myself up tomorrow, rethink myself, and try to build those up around me and hope that day by day I'll find myself in the place I want to be.

Everything and Nothing

Oh yeah, I really can be this happy

It's an interesting paradox. How can you have everything and nothing at the same time? It's like feeling everything at once that you feel nothing. Apparently Stravinsky wrote about how when he sits down to compose he is overcome with fear because he doesn't know where to begin. At that one instance everything and nothing is possible. I've experienced the same fear when I sit down to write any paper. The screen stares at you and you have these dreams about what you will create but at the same time you feel like you will never create anything. Recently I've felt this way about life. I'm staring at a blank slate and I can create anything but at the same time I feel like I will never create anything. I've felt like I'm lost in a maze with no end and all I can do is keep walking or sit down and stare at the sky. Everything and nothing is possible. The real freedom only comes after we start making decisions which give us some constraint and then we are free to move. Well I'm proud to say I've made a decision. I finally realized a dream and I'm chasing it. I don't know how I will get there, I don't know if I'll make it, and I don't even think it will be as wonderful as I'm dreaming but I'm going to die trying because it's better than just existing in this world. There, done, am I running? Probably.

Thankful for

Okay, so I'm ready for a change in my life. I haven't been very happy lately and that changes today beginning with a list of things I'm thankful for.

sunny days

good bishopric and church leaders

friends who listen

cookies and lots of chocolate

flowers

my job

sleep

cute skirts

family

fleece blankets

the moments when you feel loved

Pirates

So one of my favorite movies is Pirates of the Caribbean (the first one of course). I saw it for the first time in ninth grade, fell in love, and now I can quote practically the entire thing. But I think one of my absolute favorite parts from all the movies comes from number two when Jack is talking to Elizabeth. He claims that they aren't all that different. He says that one day she, the somewhat responsible good girl, will come to his side. Why? "One word, Curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it's like. One day you won't be able to resist." Me, being the responsible one always doing what I'm expected, has always wondered what it's like to act on what I want because I want it, not because anyone else wants it for me. Well for the first time in my life I've come to a point where no one really is expecting me to do anything, as long as I do something that makes me happy. In a sense I have what I always wanted, freedom to do what I want. The problem: I don't know what that is. What I thought I wanted all the sudden isn't really what I wanted and the one thing I know I do want is impossible for me to reach by myself. Hmmm I don't think I ever foresaw this problem...

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

-Paulo Coelho

Hello March!

Goodbye February and Hello March! I'm so happy February is behind me and from here it's forward and onward. Last night I went and heard my cousin speak on her experience with breast cancer. Her message:

Continue to be courageous

Have a good attitude

Be grateful

My cousin is amazing. After what she went through she said that remembering the those three things made her feel like there was sunshine all around her. Those are the words I want to live by.